You Wake Up To Marmageddon

To think the folk of New Zealand thought the great Marmite drought of 2012 was bad – it was nothing compared to what happened after the zombie apocalypse.

The one and only Marmageddon board game - if you're reading this text then you can't see the image, which is a shame

You Wake Up To Marmageddon – Print and play the game!

Download the file, make the game and live the dream of finding a warehouse full of Marmite! Just beware of the zombies.

Word Version – You Wake Up To Marmageddon

PDF Version – You Wake Up To Marmageddon


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Serving All Members of the Community

A zombie shambled into a cafe one day
Looking for brains on which to prey
The waiter served him some
But when they came the zombie looked looked glum
“These brains are off,” he said, “They’re grey!”


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Bumper Sticker

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BJ’s 5 Things – Crap Pet Names

One of the best things about getting a pet is that you can call it whatever you want. This gives you a top opportunity for fun, but most people have a tendency to fall into the Crap Name Trap. Here are five names to avoid at all cost:

Lucky – Curse your pet why don’t you, have you not experienced the perverse irony of the universe, the sick and twisted karma it exercises? The poor thing is bound to lose the road-crossing lottery with a name like that.

Spot – Oh, the hilarity of calling a non-patterned animal Spot. Oh, the tedium of calling a spotty one Spot. Why not get a zebra and call it Stripe for cock’s sake.

The Name Of Another Animal – Gecko, Tiger, Wolf, you know the kind of thing. If you’re going to call a pet by any animal name then why not at least call it by its species’ name – call a dog a dog, that’s what I say. Not only that but think of the psychological damage to your poor pet, does a cat really enjoy being reminded that it isn’t a tiger every time you call its name?

Anything From Shakespeare – Taking your pet’s name from Shakespeare is not a good idea: “Oh how wonderfully artistic,” you might think; “What a tit,” thinks everyone else.

Zombie – You’ve heard of the Boy Who Cried Wolf, right?

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BJ’s 5 Things – Bad Pets

It’s nice to have a pet, especially when snowed in and starving, but beware of any evil pet shop owner that tries to flog you one of these critters:

Tortoise – It sits, it nibbles; it walks a little. It does nothing, nothing at all! It’s just a bloody rock with legs. That said, those with “master plans” in windy Wellington might want to get one as a mobile paperweight.

Goldfish – It floats about and that’s it, it’s amazing that anyone ever notices when their goldfish dies. They’re not even gold either, they’re just crap old orange. Cut out the disappointment and flush it down the toilet as soon as you get it home from the pet shop.

Bigfoot – If you think that tomcats have wanderlust then try one of these little beauties, you’ll never see the bugger. No sooner will you get him home than he’ll be out the Bigfoot flap and off to the nearest forest, never to be seen again.

Sheep – Bah, that’s what I say to them. Have you ever seen a sheep do anything good? Dogs fetch sticks, cats drag home gutted birds, even hamsters can dole out excruciating bites but sheep do nothing except look lost. Call in Bo Peep and tell her she can keep her lost sheep. Although, thinking about it, that was her intent, wasn’t it?

Zombies – If I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen this sad story play out then I’d have seven dollars and forty three cents. Life doesn’t always round up to the nearest dollar.

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The folks over at The Steampunk Wasteland Daily (famous competitor of The Who’s Teenage Wasteland Herald) have given a shout out to the all new quotes page. Many thanks to them, it’s nice to be noticed, and even better to be mentioned.

Look, there's the mention, in the bottom right of the screenshot!

Remember also kind reader that a sliver of Bill Johnson exploits can be bought for a pittance over on Amazon, and half the money made goes to Christchurch, paint mixing capital of the world.

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Better A Mouth Full of Words, Than A Mouth Full of Dirt

When you say a lot a words that sometimes mean something you might as well have yourself a Quotes Page!


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BJ’s 5 Things – Bond Gadgets

Over the years James Bond has had some of the best gadgets going, and how we love them. What’s surprising is the fact that no cunning marketing company has ever released a brand of gizmos based on them. After all, which would you rather have air conditioning or heat seeking missiles? If anyone wants to nick my business idea then here are 5 gadgets I’d personally buy:

Electromagnetic Watch – Bond had plenty of fun using this to unzip a pretty lady’s dress but imagine what he could have done with one on each wrist – he could have undone the bra as well, all without using his hands. I dare not think what he could have done if she’d had some unusual body piercing.

Submarine Car – Who knows what you’d actually do with the bugger, but who the hell cares? Just imagine the look of horror on peoples’ faces as you drive purposefully into the local pool.

Ejector Seat – Makes dropping off friends who live in high rise flats a lot more efficient.

Rocket Pack – Country walks would be a whole lot more fun with the aid of this beast – can’t be arsed to walk up the hill, well just rocket your way to the top. It would also have been a great way of beating rush hour traffic in days of yore, and probably less dangerous than a motorbike.

X-Ray Specs – Detect concealed weapons, diagnose injuries in the field and spot zombies in disguise, long before anything gets tricky.

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Zombie Problems? You Are In The Right Place

We all know zombies are a problem, hell, when was the last time you had a Level 7 cranial-cornet-consumer infestation in your pantry? What did you do? You went and got help from the neighbour, didn’t you? And he was all big and brave and got his weed whacker, didn’t he? I bet you 10 official fuel chips that neighbour no longer sits next to you at church, not within biting distance at any rate.

Next time you’ve got a zombie problem, don’t lose a cherished whatshisname who you only talk to when he’s blocking your drive, do the right thing, call Bill Johnson.

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